A few weeks ago while I was rocking Olivia to sleep, this bible verse spoke over me, “Lord, you have examined me and know all about me. Lord, even before I say a word, you already know it. All the days planned for me, were written in your book before I was one day old” and it took me back to a dark place in my past. My husband and I found out we were expecting after a long 12 months of praying and waiting. Naturally, we were over the moon with excitement and so we anxiously shared the wonderful news with all our loved ones. I was 8 weeks pregnant when I had woke up one morning and started to vomit uncontrollably. At the time, I thought it was probably “morning sickness” and I wasn’t too worried, but something didn’t feel right. That afternoon I had gone to use the restroom and my urine not only had a strong fishy odor, but was yellow-greenish in color. I immediately expected the worse and thought it was a miscarriage already. My husband decided to do some research before jumping to any conclusions however the first thing that also popped up in our google search was “miscarriage.” Before my husband even opened any links to continue researching, my heart already dropped to my stomach as tears came streaming down my face because something just didn’t feel right that day. My husband and I hurried over to Kaiser and we got the dreadful confirmation: positive pregnancy test but the doppler detected no sign of life. Silence lingered and ultimately no heartbeat was found. In that m o m e n t, my world S T O P P E D. I went numb but in disbelief I held onto to this small hope that maybe they misread something on the ultrasound. My husband and I drove home that night heartbroken and unsure what God has for our future. All we could do was get on our knees and pray for understanding and healing, but our prayers were also straight forward as we pleaded and begged God to give us a baby. I remember sitting in our closet for a few hours in the dark, uncertain of many thing & one thing… if God heard me.
(part 2 coming soon)