Because I was not cramping nor bleeding, I was scheduled to go in for another blood test to determine if my HCG levels had dropped, to my worst imagination, it did significantly and my body was headed towards a miscarriage. At 10 weeks, I was finally having a natural miscarriage and it was very disheartening.
After my miscarriage, I was in a very dark place and for a long time. I was always crying, emotional and vulnerable. I had uncontrollable outbursts that I just couldn’t contain. I cried each time I heard a pregnancy announcement. I cried when people asked me about my pregnancy, I cried while I was driving, and I cried at work. I just could not move on. Instead I dwelled in my sorrows and drowned myself in my tears day after day. Was I being punished? Could I have prevented this miscarriage? What went wrong? Did I carry something that was too heavy? Was it the coffee? I began to have these kinds of thoughts, which lead me more into a spiral path. I even thought maybe it was the ultrasound that could have caused the miscarriage. The questions and uncertainty continued on for months. I was going crazy. I was miserable.
On top of that, I felt like I had failed my husband and both sides of our families. It made things worse because we had already shared the news with them all. We had to retract who we spoke to and one after another relive the unbearable news. I was so ashamed of myself, but at my worse I felt like more salt was put in to the wound. I recall many conversations that I had where I would immediately put my guard up because the comfort and prayers I was receiving felt more like an attack. Like I was the reason.
My husband and I have been married 4 years today, but the first year into our marriage he was not fond of having a baby so soon. He didn’t feel ready and pushed the idea of starting a family to the side. However, when he was finally ready we both realized it was not as easy as some claim it to be. In situations like this it can be so easy to shift blame, but it was very evident that God was working behind the scenes and we just didn’t know how much yet.
My husband is the type of person who can be very closed off. He doesn’t share his feelings and he doesn’t like to be asked either. He is very independent, serious and reliable. He is always looking forward and always has a plan C, you know in-case plan B fails. Yes I said plan C. haha However, through it all I would say that my husband had the most growth in all of this from the beginning, middle and to the end. Not only that, he was my rock and my comfort. Although he was holding himself together as well, he never neglected to be less attentive to my feelings and he was always understanding. The greatest blessing was that we talked and prayed for our future. In the silliest way, we started dating all over again. We would talk throughout the day sending quotes and articles that we found helpful. We encouraged each other and our prayer life changed. We used to pray just to pray, but now our prayers served a purpose because we really wanted God to move things in our lives. Little by little I saw God changing our attitudes and our heart.
(Olivia. . . coming soon)